hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Randomize
