Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
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