I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize