God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
