Define "chronic" masturbator.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
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