Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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