YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Randomize
