Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize