Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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