I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Randomize
