doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Randomize
