tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
if only i could text you this smell
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
