Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize