nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
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