I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Randomize
