I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
