I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
He better not be in your backpack
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Randomize
