why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
