I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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