i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
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