Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
