Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Randomize
