I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
