Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
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