she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
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