Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
Randomize
