just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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