He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
