Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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