i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
