i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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