So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
