Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
