I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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