The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
