i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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