I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Randomize
