He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
