You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Randomize
