k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Sorry my hands just texted you
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize