i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
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