We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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