I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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