Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
Randomize
