my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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