Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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