Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Randomize
