You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
