just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
