I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I forget how to act sober
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