but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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