next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
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