I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Randomize
