my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
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