he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
