You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
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