Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
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