Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
where are my eyebrows?
Randomize
