dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
