We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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