So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
