My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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