funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
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