its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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